Since I was a teen, I used to dream of a
fairy-tale wedding and mine was one of those types! I was all over the
Universe! Although It was an arranged marriage, we knew each other for a good
couple of months that it felt like we had been together in a previous
incarnation. Sometimes I felt like it's a love marriage. It seemed all so
perfect till the actual wedding took place. And straight from that first night,
my life started to suffer and I lived under a horrifying, frightening,
terrifying conditions. Yes, he was nothing like the person I met and I started
to doubt myself. I put so much pressure on myself to prove my fairy-tale
wedding. The world saw us as the "Best Couple/Made for Each other"
types. So I kept the hopes high. There were numerous issues but as a "good
wife" manages for each of the issue, I started to explain myself that give
him sometime and he might calm down and be the same person, I have loved from
day one. Later, I explained to myself, Hang on girl! It is an arrange marriage
and it's all so overwhelming for him to get used to with me so don't give up.
Have patience, It will work out. If he is not ready to compromise and adjust
then you go for it. After all, one of us has to put the ego aside and take that
first step. Then, I confidently told myself that I am a very kind and generous
human being and I love him from the bottom of my heart and my love will change
his behaviour and make him realise how much I care for him. Slowly and
gradually, he will tune into me and start giving me the same respect and love
as I have given it to him. No. No. No. What a PHANTOM! I
accepted this after wasting 10 years of my precious life. For all these years,
I kept on believing that I will give him one more chance and it will work out.
When you know, you are the only one who is balancing on the bouncy rope, STOP!
Think logically! Think for the final time and ACT!
I appreciate it is a dilemma when you want to
take that one risky step. Also, the most of the times it is self-created
pressure of the society. We all humans live with the biggest fear of 'what if'
and specifically, Asians/Indians are more worried about "what people will
think." Well, It is good to know that now a days, slowly and gradually
people are becoming more conscious about themselves and not letting the society
dominate their deeds & views. There are huge numbers of women out there
living less, suffering utmost and compromising everything in a hope to work out
their relation/marriage one day. I am not talking about a situation where there
are small/minor issues, this is something real freaking, psycho thing i.e.,
Domestic Violence, Drug/Alcohol/Sexual Abuse, Dowry, Rape, Forced Marriage,
Hate Crime, Honor Killing/Shame Killing, etc. and when this is the case, go and
get support. I have suffered in silence for a decade and I would not want
anyone else to go through this trauma. Luckily, I survived but I have
heard/seen others losing their life in this. I wish I would have ‘Googled’ 10
years back to search the term 'Domestic Violence' and I wouldn't have wasted my
life. Funny enough, but honestly speaking, I didn't know this term until I got
separated.
We, Asians, to be precise, Indian women are such
an emotional fool that even though we know it's not worth it, we do not think
of losing the hope. We believe, one miracle will happen and everything will be
in place. I was hoping for a miracle too, which was to complete our family. I
was not able to conceive for all these years and my (EX!) husband kept on
blaming me for all of his inappropriate behaviour. He gave me the confidence
that the day I will give him child, he will be the most responsible person in
the world and I will win his heart. So I felt guilty for not being able to get
pregnant of his child. I trusted him because I loved him unconditional. I
happily shaped myself, my lifestyle and even my social circle into his
lifestyle, his choices. He became stronger each day and an impossible control
freak. He took the undue advantage of my love, my tolerance and my compassion.
I started to feel this and again explained to myself, once the child arrives in
our incomplete relation, all will be well. I was totally wrong and all those well
wishers, who advised me to carry on and be a "good wife" should
understand that It is an "Excuse"! Husband and Wife is a one complete relation and it's a myth that people think having a child completes family. There are so many couples out there who are not able to give birth
to their own child and similarly there are so many orphan children out there
who have unfortunately lost their mother and father. It is neither their wish
nor their fault! One should always remember that people's behaviour, their
habits never change, no matter how many times you die for them! There is no
point pushing the cart when you know already, its wheels are falling apart. I
pushed & dragged my cart and then I learnt the above lessons.
I wasted a whole decade to understand this and
our society awarded me as "a fool". You might do as well while
reading this. It hurts! When you truly loved someone and you have to end it
this way. But that doesn't mean I kept on thinking about the society all the
times. I have to be deaf and do what is right for my future and me. Until I
take a stand for myself, no one will do it for me! I am a doer & an author
of my life. And once you will speak up for yourself, things will go to an
extremely difficult phase and then it will start to ease off. Just keep
breathing when the extreme hits you, wake up each morning with a smile on your
face and tell yourself, "I am beautiful, My life is amazing, I simply
love myself." End your day while reminding yourself; "I look
forward to enjoy another beautiful sunrise tomorrow and wake up healthy."
The world will notice your positive attitude later on and think, "Wow!
She is going through so much and look at her positive vibes. How can she be so
optimistic about everything? She is an inspiration." The same society,
who awarded you as "a fool" last year, will come running after you to
know the secrets behind your success. Trust me, this will happen once you'll
move on.
There was another big twist during the first
year of my marriage as I was diagnosed with a Borderline Cancer! I was just 25
years old when I had to undergone a 4 hours surgery to remove that cancerous
tumour and during the surgery doctors informed that I will not be able to get
pregnant due to the complicated surgery. We were still due to celebrate our
first wedding anniversary and this unfortunate news broke everyone's hearts. My
first reaction was to get divorce and let him re-marry to someone else so that
he can move on. Surprisingly, he denied and I thought this tragic incident would
bring us closer and make a stronger bond going forward. It was another abortive
attempt to convince my silly heart. I mean, I was going through a hell lot of
post surgery recovery and needed much more care, love and attention from my loved
ones and I notice those were only talking and worrying about me, not able to
have a child! What a shame! I survived cancer at a very young age and blessed
with a second chance to live a healthy life, does it have no value? Through out
all these times, only my parents were standing by my side supporting and
encouraging me. I greatly thank you for being there for me in each ups
and downs of my life.
I don't understand one thing here as why our
Asian Society give too much stress on having child within 2-3 years of
marriage? (Some of you might not agree with this, but I am talking in general
and not the exceptions) It is a high time that people break these cultural
expectations and give respect to individual choices/circumstances. My in-laws
and their relatives saw me as a failure as I was not able to get pregnant and
extend their family further. Would they have reacted the same way if their
daughter had been in my place? Fake off!! I have seen/heard so many times,
in-laws quoting their daughter-in-law in the society that they treat their
daughter-in-laws same as their daughter, and when it comes to real? Ha!! Stop
this non-sense and all these drama to show off in the society how
"open-minded" in-laws you are! It brings my blood to boil as I have
lived with such in-laws for years, loving them, caring for and respecting them,
expecting the same in return but nothing else. I do not mind stripping those
off who enjoys playing those dirty games to ruin other's life. Fake off!! I
do not intend to expose my ex/in-laws into a bad light, but I decided to bring
up some issues in this blog so that people can relate and find it
insightful.
Until now it was a painful regret! One wrong
decision called marriage.. However, I have stopped grieving and I see it as I
was learning about human behaviour the hard way. For the past ten years
unknowingly, I was doing a Ph.D. in marriage/relationships and human behaviour.
Exactly! And now I have started submitting my dissertations, summarising my
findings/learnings for the people like you and me, who may benefit from my
experiences and probably won't waste a single moment of their life.
Wish you all a super amazing and a healthy new
year 2017!
Hugs,
A Single
mum is on fire XX
